Thursday, April 26, 2012
Guilty
You know it's gotten pretty bad when your own kid starts praying "for mom to be a better mom and not get angry". At the end of the night I've got this huge guilty conscience that I'm not being the kind of mom I want to be. I try to justify things and say to myself that Madi only included that in her prayers because I pulled her aside today before going to school and I apologized for getting angry. I told her it's hard to be patient when I'm so tired because Calvin wakes up so much at night. Then I told her how I'm gonna try to be a better mom. But in reality, I know I need to be a better mom. I feel guilty all the time. I'm constantly on the girls, giving empty threats, and hanging time-outs over their heads. I know I really need to simmer down, not be so uptight and and let things slide a little, but I'm not there yet. Madi really does try and push all my buttons every. single. day. It's exhausting trying to stay to patient with her! When she's doing something educational she's great. Madi's like a sponge and soaks up anything and everything new. It's just hard for me to give her enough stuff to work on. Elle whines almost all morning, I think in a way to get attention. Then once Madi's at school she's happy as a clam. She plays so great alone that I really want to use that 2 1/2 hours to get stuff done (a.k.a.- clean the house and take a nap). But then the other day I realized how much Elle needs alone time with me. We were sitting at the table eating some lunch. I'm pretty sure I was doing several other things on top of that, but Elle didn't care. She loved that I was sitting at the table with her and only her. Excitedly she tells me, "We're eating lunch together! Not with Madi- with ME!" It about broke my heart. Such a simple thing that brought her so much happiness. I feel so stretched right now, and in about every direction. I desperately want my kids to know how much I love them, but I also want them to get along, clean up after themselves and be obedient!! Is that too much to ask for??
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I have that guilt ALL. OF. THE. TIME. Most people try to say that if the kids are alive and in bed at night then your day was successful. I don't know. I hate that way of thinking and don't measure success like that at all. I feel like there is always room to improve and be better each day. What's the point if you are just trying to survive motherhood rather than improve, learn, set goals, and progress right? The key is finding the right balance between improvement and being too hard on yourself. I still haven't found it.
The worst is at the end of the day you realize ALL you have said to your kids is reprimand after reprimand with no positive compliments or praise. I have those days far too often and am trying to be better. The truth is though...I usually regress after a couple of good days and fall back into my old habits.
Maybe in Madi's prayers you could begin having her pray to feel the spirit and to be kind to her siblings. Maybe she already does but praying for herself, as a personal prayer, might make a difference.
I asked you this a while ago but is Madi interested in any extracurricular things like recreation sports, dance, choir club, art club, etc... Something in the community she could get involved in after school a few times a week? Is that not her thing?
You're amazing Anie! Too bad we don't live close so we could all rotate whose house all the kids go to each day so we could spend alone time with one or just have some alone time with ourselves!! Quite the dream huh? Go back and listen to Elder Uchtdorfs 'Forget Me Nots' talk. That has helped me tremendously in reminding me to be patient with myself...not necessarily the kids.
Love you! xoxo
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